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You want to live life, happier, bigger, brighter, bolder, safer? – think connections. Ugh?? Yes you read me right, I’m talking about the much maligned word ‘connections’, which, in Nigerian parlance has an unsavory reputation associated with midnight rendezvous and godfatherism. I am not alluding to this restricted understanding of the word. In this most common interpretation, all success or achievement, real or imagined, is attributed to another source, leaving you powerless to act or think independently, which invariably leads to an erosion of self esteem
Connections are much more than this narrow interpretation, they are bigger, all embracing, a part of the continuum of life. To be able to live life in Technicolor and enjoy all the benefits, we have to connect with our five senses. We must also be able to develop the ability to tap into the universal life sources and connect spiritually and the only way to do this effectively is to connect to another life form. Some connect with animals, but the best and most nourishing is with another human being.
When you connect with another person you enter into and form part of the circle of life, not just one but many circles. As you know we are part of nature, ‘from dust we were formed and to dust we shall return’ but more importantly when we connect with another person we become part of the interlocking web of humanity.
There is an interesting theory propounded by the psychologist Stanley Milgram, highlighted in Malcolm Gladwell’s New York Times best seller The Tipping Point, which states that we are connected to everyone else in the world by only six degrees of separation. Gladwell tells us that Milgram tests his idea by mailing a chain letter which contained the name and address of a stockbroker who worked in Boston and lived in Sharon, to 160 people who lived in Omaha Nebraska.
" Each person was given instructions to write his or her name on the packet and send it on to a friend or acquaintance who he or she thought would get the packet closer to the stock broker. If you lived in Omaha and had a cousin outside of Boston you might send it to him, on the grounds that - even if your cousin did not himself know the stockbroker – he would be more likely to be able to get to the stock broker in two or three or four steps. The idea was that when the packet finally arrived at the stockbroker’s house, Milgram could look at the list of all those whose hands it went through to get there to establish how closely connected someone chosen at random from one part of the country was to another person in another part of the country Milgram found that most of the letters reached the stockbroker in five or six steps."
Whether we are connected to the whole world or just six other people the important thing is, that our connectivity gives us access to a wealth of resources other than our own. To lead a full and productive life requires an abundance of resources many of which we cannot posses or do not posses at this point in time, usually because we have not reached the age, or have passed the age or are simply not endowed in that capacity. None of us posses all the resources we need, however if we connect with others we increase our portfolio immeasurably.
Take wisdom for example, this is a resource we are rarely equipped with early on in life. It is usually associated with age, and rightly so, because much of wisdom emanates from life’s experiences. Connecting with an older person, a grandparent, an uncle or aunt, your friend’s parents, your parents!!! Can give you access to that resource. The elderly often see what we don’t see. Having elderly friends often helps you to see into the future, which in reality is only the past coming back again with a twist.
The same can be said for the resource of vitality, which goes hand –in-hand with youth. Associating only with your age group or older people will cause you to age far earlier than you should, since the same generational points of view will be percolating around people with the same mind set. You need to have an injection of youth into your life to maintain its vibrancy.
My grandfather-in-law Chief S.L Edu is a case in point. He died at the ripe old age of 90, however ‘til the day he died he looked and behaved like a sprightly 70 year old, fully engaged in life, ever ready with a jocular bon mot always delivered with a twinkle in his eye. What was his formula? That is the question that intrigued me. I would often go to visit and sit quietly in the corner and watch. Lunch hour was the best time, friends of all ages and walks of life would drop in. I watched in amazement how he interacted with each and every one of them. He never forgot a name, always remembered your history , especially things you wished remained forgotten, and just as you were about to sigh with relief that he had forgotten, he would let it slip and tease you with it. He didn’t move about much, but there was nothing frail and doddering about him inspite of his advanced age. He simply held court at his lunch table and absorbed the youth and vitality around him.
Do you not notice how an older man married to a younger woman seems to look and behave younger while she in turn begins to look and behave much older? Its as if the man has sucked all the youth out of her and transferred it to himself.
Connecting with others allows me to enjoy a multifaceted life reflected through the prism of a variety of capabilities, supplied by friends of all ages and all walks of life. Friends who bring the gift of laughter, friends who sharpen my intellect (after spending time with them you know that you really need to read up on more stuff!); gregarious friends who clue me in to what’s happening in town (since I don’t go out that much); young friends who keep me hip; artistic friends who water my creativity; wealthy friends who open my eyes to greater possibilities (and also show me how easy it is, not make the best use of one’s opportunities); poor friends who help me to keep it real;…Each friend or acquaintance provides me with an opportunity to grow, learn something new and engage in life more fully.
Life is about growth. If we are not moving forward we are standing still and if we are standing still while the world is hurtling forward, we are effectively moving backwards. Our friends and acquaintances should essentially be seen as part of our continuing education. Our view of the world and perception of life is filtered through the experiences of those we consort with – our friends. So if your friends are all like you, where is the opportunity for growth? Thankfully a good number of us have a diverse range of friends, most of who are nothing like us at all on the surface. On closer inspection however we may find that each of them has one aspect of their character that is part of our imaginary identikit character, (we all have one, much like the dream football team) which we aspire to, that is in essence our true spiritual nature. It is only when all the various parts are merged together that you get the true character of the person. The adage, show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are, should be changed to show me your friends and I’ll show you parts of who you are. I love playing the game of trying to fathom the true nature of people by looking at the seemingly incongruous character of the people they associate with. The most interesting is husbands and wives. When you see a flamboyant well dressed , gregarious husband accompanied by a dowdy timid and lackluster wife, don’t wonder what such a man sees in a woman like that – just know that what you are seeing is the soul of the man’s character as reflected in his wife.
So what happens when we fail to connect? We cut ourselves off from the circle which leaves us separated, inhibited and stunted in growth. People who have no input into their lives from other sources are liable to become isolated and this isolation can leave them open to abuse. Mental and physical abuse is only made possible when the abuser has been able to isolate the victim from all possible external resources, (friends, family and acquaintances who can boost the victims self esteem, show them different possibilities). This is the state that many of us unwittingly slip into when we form emotional attachments with the opposite sex. We cut off from old friends, acquaintances, sometimes even our families. In healthy relationships we are able to eventually reconnect with old friends and go on to form new connections. In unhealthy relationships however, partners seek to dismantle the familiar and replace it with the unfamiliar. Close friendships sometimes going as far back as school days are forced to be terminated; sometimes the partner is encouraged to give up meaningful work; favourite activities are dropped; and family members are no longer welcome; all in the name of love. In such relationships every other person is seen as a negative influence whose sole purpose is to separate the person from the love of the partner. Bit by bit the ‘beloved’ is disconnected from the circle of life and left to wither and eventually die?
So what did your mother never tell you? – make friends, be interested and interesting, talk to people from different walks of life, different backgrounds and ages, - no they will not all poison you or snatch your husband….much the same way as not every driver on the road is a reckless driver. As in all things be discerning use wisdom but don’t just allow the fear something bad happening deter you from reaching out and experiencing the good.
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